An American Tradition

By Kendall Lopez, Skyline Guest Columnist

ALPINE- Aah, the Super Bowl, where America gathers around the TV to watch the manliest of men wrestle over a ball while brutally fondling each other. The girl does not care that much for football, but as a native Texan, she knew that the Lone Star State revolves around three things: God, football, and barbeque. She just sits there scrolling through her phone at her grandma’s house while her uncles, father, cousins, and grandparents yell at the TV.

“Que la chingao,” Uncle Jimmy says under his breath. “I could’ve made that.” “What the fuck?”

Sure, you could, Uncle Jimmy.

It’s that time of the year when people of all classes, races, and beliefs join in on the American tradition known as the Superbowl. Of course, it’s only an American thing since ninety percent of the world prefers watching soccer. American football has always been overrated, over-extravagant, and a heteronormative excuse for men to smack each other’s asses. These men get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars doing the same as high school athletes and little kids, except they don’t get handed participation awards.

The girl only looks up from the phone when Odell Beckham drops the ball and collapses during the second quarter. “Beckham’s out,” says Dad. “You know, they’re done.”

Beckham may be out for the rest of the game, but he is taking the pain better than any male soccer player. Other than that, the Superbowl is three hours of funny, clever, and nostalgic commercials that keeps getting interrupted by a football game. Folks got to see Arnold Schwarzenegger as Zeus, the return of the iconic villain, Dr. Evil from the Austin Power movie franchise, Zendaya becoming a sensational seashell seller, and more product placements than any Michael Bay movie.

Another thing fans look forward to is the halftime show. Unlike last year when Jennifer Lopez and Shakira pissed off the feminists, the racists, and every woman younger than them, this performance is a love letter to Los Angeles and the West Coast. The show features the many big names of hip-hop oldies including Eminem, Kendrick Lamar, Mary J. Blige, and Snoop Dogg, along with the godfather of West Coast rap, Dr. Dre.

Like Thanksgiving, baby showers, going into debt for a college degree, and having Samuel L. Jackson in every movie, the Super Bowl remains an American tradition.